Teach a kid to be kind and you’ll change the world

What would it take to be kind to yourself at this moment? What would it look like to have compassion for your own humanity? It’s paradoxical that you just can’t give your partner or your kids consistent, balanced kindness until you offer it to yourself. You may need to start processing your feelings in a journal, or with a trusted friend or therapist who can help you cultivate thoughts of goodness, usefulness, mercy, and generosity toward yourself. You’ll find seeds of kindness flourishing as you strengthen these places in your heart.

It Takes Time

Kindness is deeply connected to time, because...

Kindness blossoms over time.

By six months, most babies have already developed the ability to empathize. Empathy is the ability to imagine what someone else is thinking or experiencing, and it’s an essential means by which your baby attaches, grows, and develops in year one. We understand parental empathy for a vulnerable infant. Isn’t it interesting that even babies are wired to feel and respond to others?

Toddlers are able to use kind words, give, share, and show compassion with siblings and playmates. Teaching them how to recognize and greet others--saying hello and goodbye--develops courtesy and self confidence. In earnest play and with unbridled affection for one another, our children help us debunk prejudice and love with more exuberance. They kindle the joy of kindness.

In a recent study of school age children, researchers found that between kindergarten and grade 3, kids experience kindness as helping physically or emotionally, sharing, and providing “support that helps to build or maintain relationships.” Three quarters of the children actually “defined kindness as a teacher, teaching” (John-Tyler Binfert et al, 2019).

That suggests that we as parents embody kindness for younger children who observe us helping them and others. A study of Germans who helped Jews in WWII linked their courage and altruism to early life exemplars who demonstrated empathy and advocacy for others (Adrian Bethune).

Between grades 4 and 8, children reframe kindness as helping, showing respect, encouraging, or advocating for others. At the same time, research shows that schools are no longer perceived as places of kindness, and boys report increased harshness there. This reinforces the need for our homes to remain consistent places of vulnerability, honesty, forgiveness, growth, and hospitality.

Kindness Adds Up
Circling back to our Old English definition of kindness as “increase,” we can enlarge a child’s capacity for kindness with the following principles.

1. Make kindness your baseline. You know those farmhouse signs that read, In this house, we…? In your home, set your intention to cultivate kindness. Educator, Sheila Sjolseth, suggests that planning a 10 minute kindness activity each day will foster a compassionate, problem-solving culture in your family. Her innovative website, penniesoftime.com, helps families roadmap and track kindness “mileage”.

2. Adapt a responsive communication style with your family. That doesn’t mean you’re “on” 24/7. It does mean that you are available, engaged, off your phone, laptop, social media when they need to connect. Experts at The Gottman Institute suggest that healthy partners and parents regularly “scan” the environment, attuned for opportunities to connect with one another. Why? You’re modeling empathy and a listening ear.

3. Use questions to help your kids develop curiosity and empathy for other people and perspectives.

4. Calmly reason with kids until they understand and accept that their unkind actions have caused harm. Parents who master the method tend to turn out well-adjusted, helpful children (Eisenberg).

5. Encourage specific acts of kindness. It’s not enough to imagine helping someone. When we act in kindness, the brain releases biochemicals like dopamine and oxytocin. They make us happier and healthier, even give us a “ Helper’s High” (Hamilton).

6. Track the frequency of kindness on a daily basis. You’ll foster constructive competition. Some families use cotton balls or pennies in jars; some use poster systems. This helps children more aware of the quality and frequency of positive thoughts.

7. Reward children for their accomplishments. Offer simple privileges, not toys or food.

8. Conspire as a family to help someone, and keep it a secret. The kids will learn the power of what researchers call “quiet kindness.” This sophisticated skill involves thinking and planning to help another without any need for recognition (Binfert).

9. Pick a person or cause needing more help than you can provide as a family. Ask your friends to join you. You’ll show the kids how to ask for help for someone else.

10. Be an advocate. On a recent episode, Steve Harvey profiled a father who learned that a girl in his daughter’s class was being bullied. The dad took his daughter to apologize, and helped her understand what the other girl was feeling. The father began including the young lady in their family gatherings. Over time, the two girls became friends, the daughter learning empathy, the bullied young lady gaining acceptance. When Steve Harvey picked up the story and bought them both fancy prom dresses, he reinforced the sheer power of kindness.

Kindness is unforgettable.
The most incredible impact of kindness is that one phrase can spark hope. One conversation can carry you into your future. Kindness settles into the heart and glues the broken pieces back together. Remembered kindness can reduce us to tears, decades later. It’s best seen in times like these, when we’re feeling fragile and disconcerted. We need love and soothing. We lose self-sufficiency. We need one another.

Along comes kindness.

Let’s bring it home.